Amid all of life's uncertainties, and despite the fact that truth can be subjective, one thing is certain: women tend to be mean to each other. It remains to be seen why. In this article, you'll find some of the main theories on the subject and the possible conclusion—the possible truth—that can be reached.
Among men, interpersonal relationships are different. Men tend to be more physically violent than women (high testosterone + low serotonin = uncontrolled impulsivity), but, as a general rule, they don't take offense or defame each other as much as women. So, what's behind this small phenomenon? Clinical psychologist Fernanda Verzenhassi, when contacted for her opinion on this subject, didn't hesitate to say the following:
"(…) There are two main theories as to why women are competitive in indirectly aggressive ways. Evolutionary psychology, which uses natural selection to explain our modern behaviors, posits that women need to protect themselves from physical danger, so indirect aggression protects us by demeaning the caste of other women. Feminist psychology attributes this indirect aggression to the internalization of patriarchy (…) ".
Both theories are likely correct. However, for those who are just now coming across these inferences: what could all this mean? Let's break it down. Let's start with what could potentially be one of the emotional triggers that contribute to the conflict itself: the impact of criticism on the woman.
Tara Mohr, author of the book Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead , like other competent professionals in this field, became interested in this topic from an early age. She also agrees that there may be several reasons why women have this confrontational tendency. Her opinion echoes that of Fernanda Verzehassi, mentioned above, and psychologist and writer Meredith Fuller. Mohr and Fuller state that, obviously, there has never been a good reaction to criticism and judgment, and that this is often where disagreements begin. Similarly, it's observed that women dramatize comments more than men. And the fact that no one likes to hear criticism isn't just due to the discomfort it causes, nor the denial it conveys. There are other, varied reasons for this displeasure.
Here are some of the possible reasons why this happens and why it happens more in the female gender:
- We are relationship-oriented and place immense value on relationships. Therefore, when people don't like what we're doing, it can be a sign of disharmony or a breakdown in our relationships.
- We gather more information about what others are thinking. Many studies show that women are better at reading facial expressions (and body language) than men. This means we receive more information than men about how people are reacting to us.
- The approval of others has often been our salvation. For much of human history, women could not protect themselves through legal, political, or financial means. We had no such options. Our survival was only guaranteed by adapting to what was desired and approved by those with greater power. The legacy of this history still lives on in us, even if unconsciously, and can shake our confidence on a general level.
- We've been taught for years what it means to "be a good girl." Society forces us to be "nicer and sweeter." So, when another woman insults us, it feels even more offensive and humiliating because it's less acceptable among us than among men. Consequently, we (often rightly) fear personal attacks. Research shows that when women receive negative feedback , it tends to be taken more personally (emotionally) than when men receive the same feedback . And, especially in the digital age, this can be even more psychologically violent because the attacker feels protected by a screen, lashing out without any inhibitions.
- Finally, our culture's focus on female appearance (beauty, weight, etc.) sends women the message that how others perceive us is very important. Even in movies or television shows, the fate of a female character is often determined not by what she does, but by how she is perceived. So, what remains in our subconscious is that what other people think of us is more important than our lived experience or our choices.
These aspects are very important and clearly explain why we feel more easily hurt, and even threatened, when faced with criticism. However, they don't explain why most women vent their aggression more frequently on their peers than on men. Tara Mohr states:
"In any society, people from marginalized or underpowered groups end up taking out this pain and anger on each other through internal conflict. Most women still struggle this way because they are still unaware of their true qualities, capabilities, and rights—we still deny ourselves our own dreams (...) we treat ourselves harshly. Therefore, it is most common to criticize, attack, and try to sabotage other women because it shakes us to see in them what we lack within ourselves. We will lash out if we see something emerging, or expressed in another woman, that we have crushed within ourselves. We will not, in any way, support the heart of another woman who follows her passion if we convince ourselves otherwise.
In short: although for reasons sometimes unknown to reason itself (unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs), the woman who attacks others the most and/or defends herself in a less pleasant way, being even more critical and harsh than even a potential attacker might have been toward her, shows that she still lives with great insecurity and lack of acceptance. This is why several studies indicate that the most irritable and confrontational woman with other women may also be the one who lacks:
- A loving relationship with your loved one;
- An active and satisfying sex life;
- A part-time job that you love;
- A job that fulfills you and makes you feel good professionally;
- A positive physical and psychological image of yourself.
Since studies and statistics are valuable—each person assigns them the value they consider relevant—my advice, if you identify as potentially irritable and easily conflicted, is that you shouldn't give up on yourself. Change your focus, accept yourself, and stop seeing other women as potential enemies. Believe that, just like you, your target has much more to think about than simply plotting against you.
So, women of the world, enough is enough! Accept yourselves once and for all, love yourselves, and allow yourselves, like trees in the middle of spring, to blossom and reveal yourselves to the world, just as you most often are: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!
Vanda do Nascimento is a therapist, coach, and mindfulness instructor at the Escola de Mindfulness Essencial , which she founded in 2016. She began her career as a teacher in 1997, graduating with a degree in Pedagogy. Around the same time, she also began studying Reiki, Meditation, and Mindfulness. She later pursued psychology and delved deeper into mindfulness to continue her struggle to manage stress and anxiety.
