After all, what is a healthy relationship? The answer seems obvious, but perhaps it isn't for all of us. We know that a healthy relationship, whether romantic, family, or friendship, includes mutual respect, trust, and clear and honest communication. However, I see women in my clinic who check all these boxes and still don't feel happy or fulfilled in their relationships. Absorbed by work and hectic routines, they often forget that, although these pillars are fundamental, there is an even greater one: themselves!
The concept of "self-love" is more alive than ever (let's cheers!), largely thanks to social media. There are countless videos and testimonials from voices uniting to invite all of us women to accept ourselves with love. Between advice and examples, we know that loving ourselves can be demonstrated through grand acts or small gestures: taking 5 minutes at the end of the day to do skincare is self-love; saying no without guilt is also self-love. Refusing that invitation on a Saturday night to stay home is self-love, knowing when to leave is also self-love... But if we already know so much about self-esteem, what's missing to live happy relationships? My answer as a therapist is: it depends on the case.
Sometimes past traumas speak louder; other times, we speak of emotional dependence. Whatever the cause, we continue to live a fast-paced routine that prevents us from listening to ourselves and prioritizing ourselves. Sometimes we feel the need for change, but feel unworthy of it; sometimes we feel bold enough to be independent, but feel we won't get far without the positive reinforcement of others.
Being good with myself to be good with others… but how?
The best antidote to preventing everyday stress from wearing down your relationship is to check, whenever possible, when was the last time you nurtured yourself individually. Cultivate your own space for personal development. This means maintaining individual hobbies, listening to your inner child and letting it play, challenging yourself to try new activities, and maintaining your friendships. In the meantime, don't forget to keep dreaming individually. Shared goals are important and can lead to beautiful paths in your relationship, but don't forget that before this love appeared, your paths already existed.
If both partners live by this idea, they have the world ahead of them. There's nothing more enriching in a relationship than two people constantly evolving and learning, who challenge each other individually and, through their individual learning, expand together. You don't have to neglect yourself to maintain a healthy relationship, because that only happens if you have yourself. As a therapist, I've seen couples break up precisely because they no longer remember who they were individually, which reinforces the need to make self-care—physical and emotional—a priority in your life. Set aside time to enjoy your own company and don't let yourself be left in line to be yourself. Always remember that the more you offer yourself, the more you can offer those around you. Nothing justifies the loss of your individuality.
Stress-Proof Relationships: 5 Tips from a Therapist and Friend
1. Open and honest communication: In a fast-paced life, it's common for small disagreements or frustrations to go unexpressed (there's not always energy left for difficult conversations!). The danger of this is the emotional distance that arises from this, so set aside time to talk calmly and honestly about what's happening. Don't build up situations, share your expectations, and also listen to your partner's. Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
2. Quality over quantity: When we're overwhelmed, the idea of spending long periods of time with the people we care about can seem impossible. And perhaps it is. We live fast-paced routines where too much is demanded of us, but don't forget that quality time with someone will always be more important than quantity. Maybe you can't afford a weekend away, but what about a dinner for two? The connection you're looking for may be just a quiet conversation away at the end of the day.
3. Set healthy boundaries: Having clear boundaries is essential to maintaining the emotional health of any relationship. This doesn't mean being inflexible or distant, but rather being able to communicate honestly whenever you need your space or time to yourself. Boundaries can be great allies in a relationship, as they often ensure that quality time that's just the two of us is preserved and respected.
4. There will be imperfections in the relationship: accept them. Relationships are full of ups and downs, and things won't always go as planned. Embrace the natural ups and downs of your relationship. Life as a couple requires adaptation and compromise, which obviously doesn't mean you should constantly sacrifice yourself, but in some situations, you need to find creative solutions so that both of you can feel fulfilled. Celebrate the different phases of life, even if there are times when it's not easy.
5. Understanding is key: Don't let yourself be swallowed up by the busy routine: others are also entitled to fatigue and are certainly going through their own processes. Patience is valuable and shouldn't come only from those who are with us. Looking at the other person in the relationship with empathy is essential to strengthening emotional bonds. Have you listened to the other person today? Have you put yourself in their shoes? Do this exercise to create deeper and more lasting bonds.
Even though there may be difficult times, it's possible to create truly happy relationships with someone. Live them intensely, with truth and presence.
Slowing down is no longer worn-out advice: it's urgent, for ourselves and for our relationships.
Text written by:
Dr. Ana Sofia Fernandes is a clinical psychologist specializing in areas such as ADHD, perinatal mental health, early childhood interventions, family mediation, dyslexia, child and youth protection, family intervention, parenting skills assessment, and forensic psychology. Her integrated and empathetic approach is aimed at promoting the mental and emotional well-being of the families she serves.
