It's so wonderful when a relationship works! It's the miracle that awakens the soul, when "Wednesday feels like Sunday" and we can do things we never imagined we could. It's when our eyes shine brighter and not even the worst flu can keep us in bed. But when it doesn't work, and we didn't want it to, when there's a sad and unexpected outcome, it's a nuclear bomb that explodes inside us, devastating us, making us sick, and leaving us with our lives at a standstill, as if we were temporarily living in a night where day will never break.
A successful romantic relationship is crucial for our emotional and, of course, general health. Therefore, it's worth trying, always trying with the greatest care possible, following tips and advice, and using common sense to prevent any unreasonable outcome. However, the foundation must be there. Both parties must truly like each other, be certain they love each other, even if one person's way of loving energy is slightly different from the other's. With this, everything becomes easier, even though it's difficult to maintain a good relationship with your loved one.
It's an art, yes! Because it requires patience, perseverance, love, affection, and tolerance, not to mention the concessions (although not excessive) that we both occasionally make for each other. It requires us to look within ourselves and accept what we're not doing (or being) as correctly as possible. So, here are some tips to help you remember what you should do with the people you have in your life:
Remember why you fell in love with this person.
Take a quick trip down memory lane and try to remember what enchanted you most. Return to the present and see if you've helped your partner maintain those qualities you so appreciated. Or if, unintentionally, you've started trying to change something so that the person would be more like you. Analyze it without embarrassment.
Try to remember the life journey you have taken together so far.
What good and bad moments have you experienced together in building your life (home, job, children, etc.)? Don't judge who did more or less right now. There will always be one side that, by nature, will always be more proactive and optimistic. Try to focus solely on an analysis of companionship. Was there a lot of emotional and physical strain due to the daily struggles of life? Occasional fatigue can also stem from this and have nothing to do with a decrease in your love. Consider this and don't be too demanding of either the person or yourself.
Remember the times when you supported each other, each in your own way.
Even if one person is more likely to help materially or physically, and the other is more likely to offer words of optimism and moral strength, that's okay. Quite the contrary. You're together precisely to complete each other, not to compete! If you can, remind your loved one of one of these moments and thank them for the fact—even if it was just a little—that they did or said something that helped a little (or a lot) in the unfolding or resolution of a particular problem in your lives. Praise and thank them whenever possible.
Weigh up what you really like about the person and what you don't like at all.
Let's assume that, because you love this person, you'll tolerate some of the things you don't like at all. However, have you talked to them about this? Without judging, criticizing, or using irony? Did you speak calmly, kindly, and as an observer? Is there a chance they'll change a little? If not, is there any way you can tolerate what this person will never give you? Yes! Because, in love, you have to be able to recognize that there are things that will never change in the other person. Do you accept that? Think about how you can overcome this issue. You also certainly have very unique aspects that will never change.
Do you think they are evolving in different paths of life?
Do you sense that they're desiring things, whether physical, material, cultural, or emotional, that are completely different from each other? Talk about it and see if, even if it's not often noticed, there's some common ground where you meet, where you can share these themes or desires. This is because there's always a common ground: like sitting down for lunch or a snack while talking about your things. A moment where one listens to the other and vice versa. But with active listening, attention, and affection.
Is there any aspect of your relationship that is completely different than it was?
Talk about it, but without judging or criticizing, without focusing on who's right or who was most at fault, because that gets you nowhere. What matters is focusing on accountability, on what can be done today to improve this aspect. Don't get caught up in the blame game.
Control your jealousy.
This aspect has destroyed thousands of relationships. We're talking not only about jealousy caused by fear of losing someone to someone else, but also about jealousy linked to the other person's potential success, both professionally and personally. Try to accept the other person's success and trust them. You won't lose your loved one just because they're very successful. (Even if, in a case of great success, the other person might get lost in the glow of their ego, don't give up on them and calmly bring them back to reality. With love and patience, if there's true love, it will come.)
Trust and give space to your loved one.
Excessive attachment is terrible; it suffocates and drives you away! As such, it's not worth it. Believe me. The more you corner someone, the more they'll want to fly. Give them some space. Limit phone calls and messages daily, and don't complain if they can only watch one movie instead of two with you. Let them breathe so they can want to be with you.
Control your selfishness. Don't ignore your loved one's needs.
It's not easy to realize sometimes, but it often happens that one partner puts their own needs before the other's. This, similar to jealousy, has also been a reason for relationship breakups. Selfishness is terrible! And it often happens when one partner doesn't express themselves or doesn't complain. Therefore, the other easily overrides them. Reflect on what you've already realized are your partner's needs and see if you're also prioritizing them.
Spend more time with your loved one.
When we talk about giving space, we mean just enough space. Some people overdo it and leave the other person feeling very alone. Over time, habits become established, and it seems like that person is already the given. Reflect and try to readjust your time. You'll see that you can do it, and it will be very beneficial, including for you. Some cheating excuses are based on this aspect.
Furthermore, love and allow yourself to receive love, never forgetting to love yourself first. And trust. Whoever is meant to be with you will be. The Universe works wonderfully. Strength. We are with you.
Vanda do Nascimento is a therapist, coach, and mindfulness instructor at the Escola de Mindfulness Essencial , which she founded in 2016. She began her career as a teacher in 1997, graduating with a degree in Pedagogy. Around the same time, she also began studying Reiki, Meditation, and Mindfulness. She later pursued psychology and delved deeper into mindfulness to continue her struggle to manage stress and anxiety.
