Even if it's not an official divorce, it's a breakup, a cut, a detachment from the other. Therefore, it's suffering. Of course, those who want to separate don't suffer as much. Those who don't, those who would continue clinging to the other person, suffer more. Of course. Much more so in this new era.
Today's society has deprived itself of social interaction. And this, in itself, is a consequence. Therefore, we must realize that, in new times, new "moments" must emerge. Some of the advice that used to be given in these circumstances may be obsolete because, quite simply, we can't put them into practice.
And everything that cannot be performed, experienced, everything the body cannot feel, does absolutely nothing for our Self. Without a doubt, when we're going through a heartbreak, we need to grieve. This process involves being alone sometimes, yes. It involves crying and feeling a little self-pity. But only a little. Otherwise, we'll fuel a depressive process that can jeopardize our overall health.
Truth be told, no one deserves to get sick because of you. So, let's look at what you can do to start minimizing your suffering. Before that, however, it's important to remember what types of feelings, emotions, and sensations are most common in this situation:
- Despair;
- Revolt;
- Feeling of emptiness;
- Insecurity;
- Sadness;
- Sensation of marked loneliness;
- Doubt about yourself and what others think of you;
- Apathy, etc.
The "symptoms" described above may not all be obvious, and some may even trigger others. The truth is that most of them lead to, as the saying goes, low self-esteem and a tendency for depression to snowball. For example, feeling very alone, as if a piece of yourself is missing, can lead to sadness, a feeling of emptiness, and so on.
While it's normal to experience some, or almost all, of these sensations, what matters is how often you experience them and for how long. As with everything in life, what's harmful is the quantity and duration. It's not harmful to have dessert every now and then, but it can be less beneficial for our health if we do it every day after meals.
Therefore, you cannot allow this Machiavellian sentimental machine to take over you. No. You have to manage it yourself. Maybe you think you've lost your soulmate. Maybe you think this pain will never go away. Relax. Pain is not an arm, it is not a leg. It can pass, no matter how deep it is. Or it can calm down, become lighter.
Before we give you more concrete tips, considering our "new normal," I need you to consider this:
- Do you really think you've lost your soulmate, or that you're not a soulmate at all, but a great "complement" to your Self? Did you know that almost all theories about soulmates claim that, in most cases, these people weren't meant to be together? It's true, these scholars say. They need to be in contact, but they can't cohabitate in the same space and/or can't maintain a harmonious romantic relationship. It's worth thinking about it this way.
- Do you think you'll never find anyone like them again, or that you'll never be able to love like that again? Well, you might have a point, for the simple fact that no one is the same, and because there are human beings who make us feel extraordinary things. But many also make us feel dependent on them. And, similarly, they destroy us inside, because that's not healthy. If you're feeling like that person was the special one, try to remember that before that person came along, you already had a life. As I said above, that person, like the pain they cause you, is not an arm or a leg on your body. You'll see, love will come again.
To do this, you have to open up. You have to let go of the old and embrace the new. I'm not talking about a new love yet. Start by embracing new thinking, to have new behavior and a different outcome in terms of feelings and emotions. In this new era, it is recommended that:
- Get back to taking care of yourself physically, even if you're working remotely, or you're not going anywhere and don't feel like it at all! There's nothing more boring, and dangerous, than spending too much time feeling sorry for ourselves. Go for it! Look in the mirror again and love yourself! Note: Exercise is important, even if it's just walking. It will make you feel better, both physically and mentally.
- Socialize. Even if you don't socialize with everyone you used to, meet up with a friend and have fun! If you can't meet in person, do it over the phone. However, don't isolate yourself too much. Excessive isolation will accentuate feelings of loneliness, even unconsciously, and increase depression. (Warning: video calls can be very tiring, and if they're after 7 or 8 PM, you should set your device to a nightlight. Otherwise, you'll feel more tired, and the blue light will trick your brain into thinking it's still too early, fueling insomnia. Sleep deprivation promotes depression and anxiety.)
- Re-manage your social media. "Eyes that don't see, heart that doesn't feel," and it's very true. Are you sure you want to remain "friends" with this person? That can even be great when it happens naturally. But can you do it without martyring yourself? Do you want to see every step they take (and who they're with)? Think carefully. It can hurt, a lot. And no, it's not rude to unfollow them on social media. It would be rude to offend this person just because they're hurt, and it's offending yourself, being a masochist.
- Redecorate your home or rearrange furniture and objects! Even if you weren't living together, I assume this person was with you, there, in those places that make up your home. So, change. Rearrange things and take the opportunity to redecorate your home, even if it means recycling some things and reusing others. Enjoy and free yourself. Create!
- Invest in a new project. Remember that thing you've been putting off? Or that course you've been wanting to take? Well, it's time to put those dreams into practice. Don't have the money for the course you want? Invest your time in free versions for now. There are many courses available online , even from prestigious universities (check out sites like FUTURLEARN, COURSERA, etc.). Browse and take a chance. It'll do you good.
- Avoid listening to music and watching movies that evoke strong emotions and/or memories about your relationship. Listen to happy music, but don't associate it with romantic moments. You can also listen to calm music that won't make you sad, such as music suitable for meditation or practices like Yoga , Reiki , Chi Kung , etc. Watch movies that make you laugh (or at least smile) and, preferably, don't end badly.
- Avoid alcohol and substances that can artificially induce an altered state of consciousness. It's a waste of time because reality will then return (and, in excess, these substances are terrible for your overall health). When reality returns, you tend to become even more depressed and powerless. If you feel the need, you can always start practicing transcendental meditation. You can see (hear!) an example of one of these moments here, with Frederica, through this link .
- Practice Mindfulness ! Incorporate this wonderful concept of Mindfulness into your life. With its meditative and cognitive practices, it will help you avoid getting so caught up in the past and minimize anxiety about the future. One day at a time will be the best way to live.
- Share what you need to share and don't complicate things. It's not easy when, for example, the couple has children. I assure you, however, that most of the time this situation becomes more difficult to manage because we complicate it. One of us doesn't make things easy and is usually the one who feels the most hurt. But this affects the children. And they weren't the ones who filed for divorce or separation. Read (or listen to) topics related to parenting in divorce and put things into perspective. It's not easy, but your self and your children's self deserve the effort. On these topics, I recommend coaches Andreia Carvalho ( @andreiacarvalho.coach ), Vanessa Colaço ( @pt_crown ), and SMART Mindful Kids ( @smart_mindfulkids ), which is more suitable for children (Emotion Management).
Despite all this, it's important to mention that it doesn't matter if you think you can't overcome this moment of pain alone. What matters is that, in this case, you don't ask for help. A helping hand, especially from a competent professional, can work miracles. And you deserve that miracle, now and always. So, breathe in, breathe out, and lift your chin. The world is waiting for you.
Vanda do Nascimento is a therapist, coach, and mindfulness instructor at the Escola de Mindfulness Essencial , which she founded in 2016. She began her career as a teacher in 1997, graduating with a degree in Pedagogy. Around the same time, she also began studying Reiki, Meditation, and Mindfulness. She later pursued psychology and delved deeper into mindfulness to continue her struggle to manage stress and anxiety.
