Ready for the Apocalypse
I blush to say that I was one of the people who thought Y2K might mean a world's end-- some kind of ending anyway. Not to the extent of a friend who talked about converting all her assets to gold coins
Praying for a Spouse, Personal Recognition
[Today's Christian, May-June 2003]
Q. I'm a 25 year old single lady who loves the Lord. Lately I've been very confused about how to find the right partner. In my church, dating is viewed almost as a sin. They believe in the praying method--that God will show you the right person when he's ready. I've watched a lot of young people in my church follow this model, and almost four out of five ended up being miserable--some have even backslid.
Anger Management, Levity
[Our Sunday Visitor, May 4, 2003]
Anger Management
Gooze-frah-bah. Feel better? That’s a phrase taken from a lullaby that Eskimo mothers use to calm their children. Or so says Dr. Buddy Rydell, anger management therapist and author of “K(no)w Buddy Cares.” In this chewy role Jack Nicholson wears a beret, goatee and an incessant grin, and oozes with know-it-all condescension. If you weren’t angry before you met him, you will be.
Phyllis Schlafly
[The American Conservative, April 21, 2003]
Feminist Fantasies, by Phyllis Schlafly, Spence Publishing, 262 pages
Not every fifty-something mother of six decides to go to law school; not every one who does graduates near the top of her class. Not every woman juggles these high-octane pursuits with a syndicated column and an uphill battle against the Equal Rights Amendment. But then again, not every woman is Phyllis Schlafly. You can hear three decades of bruised feminists breathing “Amen.”
I Write the Songs that Make the World Go “Huh?”
[Unpublished, April 2, 2003]
There’s a song in my heart. Sorry. I’ll try to keep it to myself.
As a rule I haven’t been successful at this. All through the years, my kids would ask, “Mom? Are you singing again?” and I’d look down and discover I was.
It might not have been so bad if I’d been softly murmuring “O-o-o-o-o-klahoma” or “We Will Rock You” or some other lilting air. No, it tended to be songs that I made up myself, though not intentionally. Songs would come evolving from random thoughts revolving, and gradually work their way up to audibility. Generally, these were not exciting songs. However, they tended to be annoyingly memorable.
Why They Hated Pinocchio
[Touchstone, April 2003]
Why They Hated “Pinocchio”
I am the sole member of a very tiny club: as far as I can tell, I am the only reviewer in America who liked Roberto Benigno’s production of “Pinocchio.” I had sat all alone in a theater, thoroughly charmed by the production, the costumes, cinematography, and performances. And I wondered why I was alone. Later I checked a website that catalogues film reviews and did a double take. This site gives films a percentage score based on the number of positive reviews; the stylish film “The Hours,” for example, was enjoying an 88% rating. The site’s editors had not found a single review of “Pinocchio” they could classify as positive. “Pinocchio” scored a zero.
Hot dog, It’s Lent!
[Our Sunday Visitor, March 23, 2003]
Well, not hot dog, exactly. Not hamburger either, or fried chicken, or filet-o-fish; not even a milkshake. And that’s no baloney.
What’s left? Grains, vegetables, and fruits: oatmeal for breakfast, peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, spaghetti marinara for dinner. You get to know the mysteries of soy. (My friend Juli sings: “You made me tofu; I didn’t wanna try it, I thought I’d rather diet.”)
Bringing Down the House, Shanghai Knights
[Our Sunday Visitor, April 6, 2003]Bringing Down the HouseThere are many ways a movie can be bad. It can be badly written, badly acted, badly filmed; it can have a bad plot, a bad premise, or a bad message. “Bringing Down the House” is bad in all these conventional ways, but then invents new ways to be bad, and sets race relations back forty years. It's the decathlon of badness.
About Face, Christian Soldiers
[Unpublished, March 2003]
I subscribe to a newsweekly magazine. One week the cover story is about Buddhists. I read the article. It is about spirituality.
Another week the cover story is about students of the Kaballah. I read the article. It is about spirituality.
Another week the cover story is about Christians. I read the article. It is about politics.
Pizza Trouble
[Unpublished, March 2003]
I'm a pastor's wife, mom of three, short, plump and southern, so people are generally surprised to hear that I was once under investigation by the FBI for making death threats on behalf of the Mafia.
It could happen to anyone, really.
One night we were having dinner with a couple in our congregation, Bob and Cathy, while our combined five kids played downstairs in the rec room. My husband's gingery Chinese stirfry was disappearing fast, and Cathy's special Chocolate Overload cake was waiting in the kitchen.